A tale of the elephant and her rider

“My elephant is crushing my rider right now; please go away.”

Those were the words I uttered to my husband after a really long day at work. I warned him to steer clear and please give me space for a bit, and like the wise man he is, he obliged. A few months ago, I may have continued trudging through the day and snapping at people as I went, but on my journey to learn more about coaching other humans, I’ve learned a few lessons for myself.

Psychologist Jonathan Haidt introduced the elephant and rider analogy for thinking about behavior change. Haidt argues that we have two sides: an emotional side (the elephant), and an analytical, rational side (its rider). Chip and Dan Heath also reference the rider and the elephant in their book Switch: How to change things when change is hard, which is where I learned about the comparison. They explain:

“Perched atop the elephant, the rider holds the reins and seems to be the leader. But the rider’s control is precarious because the rider is so small relative to the elephant. Anytime the six-ton elephant and the rider disagree about which direction to go, the rider is going to lose. He’s completely overmatched.”

I chuckled pretty hard at the image it painted and then groaned because I realized exactly what was happening when I’d lose my cool after a long day at work. The elephant is strong, powerful, and impulsive, and while the rider is thoughtful, deliberate, and cautious — she’s tiny. There’s only so much she can do and only so long she can hold on to the enormous elephant before she’s exhausted. Sometimes she comes off the elephant gracefully (ie: when my husband leaves me alone to process), and sometimes, she gets tossed off and stomped on.

The good news is, there’s a way to put her back up there; for me, it just means a few minutes of not being needed by anyone. Sometimes I’ll go for a walk; sometimes, I’ll sit on the bottom of the deck with my bare feet planted in the grass; sometimes, I get lost in candy crush or some other stupid game on my phone — hey, you do what works.

The bottom line is we all have a finite reserve of self-control and rationality. When you exhaust it, you have to pull back and replenish it. You must fill your cup and reset your rider on the elephant.

As a leader, it’s essential to recognize this aspect when working with your teams. Our teammates quickly exhaust their riders in highly charged or complex situations or after long days of deep work. While some are stronger than others, all lose at some point, and when it happens, no one is their best self.

You can work to coach them to recognize when the rider is getting tired (their triggers) and build a plan of action to put her back in control. However, when something captures the elephant’s attention (a co-worker’s actions, perhaps), they find it hard to focus on anything else. So, you have to work on techniques to address the issue directly or through redirection. Having them focus on gratitude and positive thinking can often break the cycle.

There are upsides to the elephant and rider saga, though. First, knowing this relationship exists, you can leverage it to help support change or create cohesion in your teams. Knowing that we are emotional and rational and speaking to both sides can create a strong relationship. It’s also great at helping us to drive change in an organization (which is the topic of the Heath brothers’ book — highly recommend). By appealing to both the emotional and rational sides and then providing a path for them to follow, we can get a more substantial buy-in to changes.

If you’ve not read the book and are working through change, or even if you’re not working through change but want to know how to motivate your teams — check out Switch or The Happiness Hypothesis by Jonathan Haidt to learn more about the elephant and rider.